The Eastern Michigan University community will have the opportunity of a lifetime Wednesday, April 16.
The famous Bigfoot will be on trial for four individual counts of public indecency, trespassing, resisting arrest, and destruction of property. This case will be known as Bigfoot v. the State — and you can be part of the jury.
Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, is an 8-foot-tall cryptid whose sightings date to the 1800s and 1900s, according to Google. The creature is 8 feet tall, and has been spotted all over the United States, but primarily resides around northern California and the Pacific Northwest.
As someone who used to live in Oregon, I can say that Bigfoot sightings were fairly common. We used to see him pretty frequently while on family camping trips in the summer. He’s a big fan of s'mores.
Anyways. During a jaunt around Michigan, Bigfoot was captured. It is unclear what he was doing at the time of capture. It could have been a big misunderstanding, or he could have actually been committing a crime. It’s up to you to decide!
Autumn McGee, Bigfoot’s defense counsel, says that this case is an example of “gross governmental overreach,” and that these laws should not apply to cryptids who never signed up to be part of a human society.
“Is he a law-breaking fugitive or is he just an innocent cryptid trying to survive?” McGee said. “He needs to tell his story and get it out there [and] face the discrimination, the bias, and prejudice people have against cryptids.”
Alexia Barton, who will be representing the state, tells a different story about the creature. Barton claims that Bigfoot is a repeat offender, frequently leaving messes in public areas while nude (or without clothes. Because I don’t know if he can really wear clothes. Do they make clothes for people who are 8 feet tall? Nevermind. Cut this.)
“We are going to do our best to bring him to justice. He is a menace to society and [is] causing so much pain to so many communities. The state is going to do everything in their power to get this taken care of,” Barton said.
McGee worries what the implications of this ruling could mean for other cryptids living in the United States. According to a map I found on Reddit, there are over 100 cryptids throughout the states, with California, Texas, and Florida having the highest number of confirmed creatures.
“This is much bigger than Bigfoot. I know that there was some talk about hunting down the Loch Ness monster. … This could have unimaginable consequences if the state is just allowed to target these beings for no reason besides their existence. What kind of precedent is that going to set?” McGee said.
We were able to get exclusive comment from Bigfoot on this matter. His statement goes as follows:
“I want the humans to know that this is all a big misunderstanding. I am a gentle creature that just wants to live in peace with your awfully nosy species, but I will not tolerate this two-tiered system of justice against cryptids!”
Personally, I think he’s innocent. But what do I know?
If you would like to be part of this momentous occasion, you can attend the trial April 16 in the Student Center Ballroom. Doors will open at 6:30 p.m., however please RSVP through the EMU Mock Trial Instagram.
Justice for Bigfoot!
Olivia Hendry is the Managing Editor of the Eastern Echo. She has been on the Echo staff for two semesters, and enjoys writing about current events, community impact stories, and more. She is usually very particular when it comes to her writing, including getting correct quotes and providing correct information. But, she decided to have some fun for this edition. Much like Frank, her "Reporter of the Year" award will most likely be taken away after this edition comes out.
