Several years back, the kind folks at the Eastern Echo published a piece I wrote on freshman dating. At best, some of those young whipper-snappers took my advice and found the love of their lives. At worst, the column inspired a number of one-night stands and an increased rate of chlamydia at EMU. But I digress…
Chances are, some of those then-freshmen are likely not long for this university, and will soon embark on a fascinating journey called real life. Those who aren’t getting ready to graduate have probably already dropped out and are bouncing around retail positions at Briarwood Mall, waiting to sell you a pair of pre-distressed jeans or a cell phone. For those of you who are a few short months away from that sheepskin, please consider the following your guide to landing that perfect job.
Now we all know the economy is in the proverbial crapper at the moment, and you’re going to need a kick-ass resume to find a good job. But what should you include in this resume? Luckily, I have the answers.
Make sure to include a long set of skills and personal qualities appropriate to the job you’re applying for. You might not think that after four, five, six or seven years of college, you’ve accrued much that’s applicable in the working world. Well my friend, you’re wrong.
If you’re like me, you’ve spent a lot of time procrastinating and playing video games. Believe it or not, that can be considered a skill. If spending hours playing Halo and Madden ’09 doesn’t say “Works well under pressure,” and “Excels in a team-oriented environment,” then I don’t know what does.
Second, prepare yourself for the interview. There are some questions that every interviewer is going to ask you. Questions like, “What’s your five-year plan?” and “What do you see as your greatest weakness?” are bound to come up.
Like nearly all questions you’ll be asked once you enter the workforce, it’s best not to answer either of these honestly. Chances are your potential employer doesn’t want to hear that in five years you’d like to be an advance scout for Girls Gone Wild. As for your greatest weakness, it’s best not to answer “PBR.” Instead, turn that question on its head. Tell the interviewer that your only weakness is your awe-inspiring awesomeness, which will likely lead to jealousy among your potential co-workers.
Chances are, when chatting up your future boss, he or she is going to use words like “synergy” and phrases like “value added” and “action plan” and “strategic market initiatives.” If you really want the job, do your best to fight the overwhelming urge to punch your interviewer in his or her genitals. Try not to be angered by their arrogance and smugness, despite the fact that their MBA-endowed ilk helped destroy the job market you’re now trying to navigate.
If you’re still having trouble finding a job and this column has proven less than helpful, consult your business school friends. They’re being trained in interviewing douchebaggery and will be full of helpful hints.
Should the quest for productive employment ultimately prove fruitless, there’s always graduate school. In fact, grad school is the perfect place to be if you can’t find anything to do. It’s sort of like sitting in a waiting room, except the music doesn’t suck and generally speaking, the coffee is better.
